The thirteenth and final episode of Riverdale, season the first, aired on Thursday night (and was available to all us non-US fans this morning, but not before 10AM I might add.) Although we found out the mystery of Who Killed Jason Blossom? in the previous episode, this was all set up to create season two’s mystery. (I’m not even going to talk about the last two minutes of the show because I don’t think I’ll recover (but whomever it was that got badly hurt, who may or may not be my favourite non-teen character, will recover, no doubt. Don’t shed your tears too soon, friends.)

But, apart from raising the stakes for season two, Riverdale did everything…wrong. Let’s discuss:

A. Cheryl’s Bombshell, AKA Selena Gomez didn’t executive produce Thirteen Reasons Why for this.

Cheryl’s brother is dead. Her father is literally doing what happens before every story climax. Her mother is calmly deranged. She had literally no one to turn to, and shows some very distressing and dangerous behaviour. First, she becomes obsessed with things reminscient of the accident at Sweetwater River. Then, she relinquishes her throne as Queen of the River Vixens, the one thing she fought her mother for to return normalcy to her life. She apologises to Jughead (good) but gives away her prized possession (oh no.)  Veronica asks if she’s okay, and Veronica takes ‘fine’ as a good answer. (??? No one is ever ‘fine’ after what Cheryl’s been through, V.) Then, after pulling away from everyone, she  attempts suicide. And that’s not even the worst part. After she’s rescued by Archie in possibly the most emotional moment of the whole show, they LEAVE HER BEHIND TO GO TO SOME STUPID TOWN JUBILEE, whatever that is!! Literally, she tried to end her life not half an hour ago, and they left her all alone. She’s just exhibited the most toxic behaviour and all they can think about is a bloody high school event. I can’t believe they weren’t all by Cheryl’s side, inviting her to be part of the gang.

B. Archie ‘I’m Never Satisfied With One Girl’ Andrews

Throughout the series, Archie has had more girls on his arm that Jughead’s had burgers, and that’s just wrong. Betty, Ms. Gundy, Valerie (#shedeservedbetter), Veronica, and even Cheryl. It was getting ridiculous. I can’t take his supposed dedication to Veronica seriously. Oh, you want to be ‘soulmates’? Are we forgetting the masterpiece of a song you wrote with Val, with lyrics such as ‘There’s nobody, no one, nowhere that gets me like you do?’ Val was the Gabriella to his Troy and he’s treating her like Kelsey. Seriously, I won’t be happy if he ends up with either Betty or Veronica. I was so pleased when I thought the whole love-triangle was a thing of the past. And we’re meant to be trash for Bughead and Varchie sex scenes when Cheryl’s just burning her flipping house down?? Priorities, much.

And, although I’m fuming about those parts of the show, here are some parts I liked:

1. Jughead doing a John Bender and being the most popular guy in his rebel school. (If everyone’s an outsider, nobody is.)
2. Jughead eating a burger.
3. Jughead wearing a Southside Serpents jacket.

Well, there you have it. I like everything about Jughead, apart from the blatant disregard for his canon sexuality, of course. But, that’s a whole other post. Don’t get me wrong, Riverdale has been one of my favourite shows to watch over the last couple of months, I just can’t believe how little we were meant to care about what should have been the focus of the episode. The show is trying to be two things: murder mystery and teen drama. When it picks a side, the episodes fly. (1+2 for crime, 6 for High School Musical realness) But, when it tries to do both…it’s confusing.

Have you watched Riverdale? What did you think of the finale?